At the recent Academy Awards, Ben Affleck came to the podium to receive an award, and in his acceptance speech he thanked his wife, Jennifer Garner, for “working on their marriage for ten years.” He went on to say that it was the best kind of work in the world and there was no one he’d rather be with, but marriage was work nonetheless. Ben’s comments broached a subject that is rarely talked about – how there is a difference between the glamorous, romantic ideal of marriage and the not-so-glamorous, “it takes work” reality of marriage. And the church has not been helpful in negotiating this difference for one simple reason. We mostly talk about marriage at weddings, surrounded by flowers, candles, women wearing exquisite dresses, men decked out in tuxedos and boutonnieres. We associate that one, brief, wedding moment with marriage, while neglecting the 99.9% of other moments that are the real experiences of marriage, when there are few flowers, candles, bouquets or boutonnieres; and white dresses and tuxedos give way to sweat pants, sneakers, baby spit-up, pet hair, sleep deprivation and in-laws. For too long, the church has focused on the ideal of weddings and been silent about the necessary, faithful work of marriage.
I can’t remedy this imbalance in one sermon, but let me offer a few thoughts about the similarities between the journey of marriage and the journey of faith. And let me emphasize one thing from the start: To talk about marriage is not to suggest that everyone is supposed to be married. Our lives include many types of relationships, including family relationships, strong friendships, and for some people, marriage relationships. Every one of those relationships evolves over time and takes work to be healthy. What I say about marriage can apply to any relationship you have in your life with people you are committed to in love.
Now, a moment ago, I described both marriage and faith as a journey. Neither are static, unchanging states. Marriage and faith are processes, ever moving and changing over time. And the stages they go through are remarkably similar. Let’s start with marriage. The first task involved in marriage is for both partners to “leave home” – to detach emotionally from their families of origin as they commit to this new relationship and build connections to a new extended family. You don’t sever ties with your family, but you do redefine those relationships to make room for new loyalties and responsibilities. This is serious and complex work. It can evoke feelings of guilt and anxiety and take years to negotiate. But by grace, with patience and humor, couples leave their homes and make a new commitment to one other.
Then comes the early days of life together in which couples are in love with being in love, and they romantically idealize one another. Couples seem unable to stop touching each other tenderly and are amazed at how deeply compatible they are and how one person fills in the gaps missing in the other’s life. Not surprising, the next stage is labeled “disappointment and disenchantment.” It simply means that in a healthy, mutual marriage, the other person cannot, and should not, meet all one’s needs. Two married people cannot maintain a goal of keeping one person totally happy all the time. Marriage requires balance, negotiation, compromise and a flexibility previously unimagined. One more point: Healthy marriages can occur between people who are compatible as well as people who are opposites. If a marriage doesn’t work out, we too quickly say that the two people weren’t a good match for each other. In truth, incompatibility in marriage has less to do with the differences between two people and more to do with what is causing those differences to stand out at any given time.
You leave home; you idealize your partner; you experience disappointment with your partner. Usually what comes next is a productive period as the couple grows in commitment while navigating the next stage of their common life. This may include parenting children or embarking on professional careers. It can still be a time of real romance. It may also be a time of healing, in which past unhappiness or abuse is erased or mitigated through new love and commitment. In this stage of life, there will be many times of renegotiation and redefinition: as children are launched into the world, as parents grow older and die, as grandchildren emerge, as jobs change, health changes, retirement approaches. A wise person has said: You may fall into love, but you don’t fall into marriage. Marriages are built. They are mutual projects that take years – involving commitments needing to be daily reaffirmed.
There is much that scripture can teach us about marriage, but the faith conversation on this topic has been complicated by two things. First, marriage was a secular act long before it became a religious act. For centuries, marriage was a simple event usually done in the home. It involved the blending of families and clans, and focused more on property rights and procreation than it did on romantic love or religious faith. Over time, the wedding ceremony moved from the home to the front steps of the church; but only in the Middle Ages did the Catholic church move the ceremony up to the altar. Why? Well, a mistranslation of a verse in Ephesians (Eph 5:32) named marriage a “sacrament”, and thereby marriage and divorce became Catholic Church matters. Protestants, like Martin Luther and John Calvin, disagreed. They considered marriage a civil matter, an ordinance that the church supports so far as marriage serves as a remedy for sexual sins and promotes the well-being of society. For Protestants marriage is not a sacrament; it’s a covenant between equals designed to allow each to grow personally and spiritually.
Second complication: When the apostle Paul talks about marriage, such as in the verses we read from I Corinthians, he is answering very specific questions. For example, the early church expected Jesus to return any day, so they asked Paul: Should we stop being intimate as husbands and wives? To which Paul replied, “No, continue being physically together in love and mutual support.” Then they asked: If we’re not married, should we stay single? Or if our spouse has not accepted this new faith in Jesus Christ, should we get divorced? To which Paul said, “You may remain single, but I do not forbid you from getting married. And if your spouse is not a believer, stay together. This isn’t like the old Jewish laws about keeping separate what is clean and unclean. Your faith sanctifies your household and can make the whole marriage into a holy union.” Now there is no denying that Paul wanted Christians to strive to avoid divorce. His hope was that the Christian community would stay together and be strong. But Paul knew that divorces do occur – and as we know, sometimes divorce must occur. That is why Paul’s larger message was pragmatic, such as when he said “Lead the life that the Lord has assigned you, to which God called you” (I Cor 7:17). Paul wants us to honor commitments, to love and work with one another, as best we can; but also know that violence, abuse, and fear should never be part of the marriage equation.
A minister once presided at his own daughter’s wedding. When the groom finished repeating his vows, the minister turned to his daughter and asked, “Do you believe what he just said?” Luckily, he asked the groom the same question after the bride spoke her vows. Some call marriage a sacrament; others call it a civil ordinance. For same-gender or different-gender couples alike, at its heart, marriage is a covenant, where promises are made and you trust one another to honor those promises. By faith we know that grace is available to sustain us when we betray that trust in little and big ways, for that does happen. And by faith we know that God in Christ is ever near, setting before you a life and a calling, which undergirds the covenants and changing relationships for all the days of our lives.
Marriage is a big topic. Earlier I commented that marriage and faith are both journeys and that there are similarities between the stages involved in each. It’s true. Just as in marriage you have to leave your families of origin, at some point in faith you step away from saying “I believe in God or go to church because that’s what my parents believed and did” and you step forward to say, “This is what I believe. This is how I’ve experienced Christ’s love in my life.” As you make your personal profession of faith, there will be a feeling of exhilaration, as you idealize the wonder of God’s love and Christ’s saving power. There will also come a time of disappointment, when tragedy happens, when death inevitably knocks on the door; and since we can’t get mad at those who’ve left us, we rail at God and reject the church. Hopefully something comes next – a more productive stage when the faith of childhood becomes a faith for life; when scripture is taken seriously in all its complexity; when we hear about God’s grace, Christ’s resurrection power, the Spirit’s life-giving breath, and someone says to us: “Hey, do you believe what was just said?” And just like marriage vows, like so many things we accept by faith and not by sight, we respond, “Yes, I do believe. And by grace, I’m committed to leading the life to which God has called me.”
AMEN